The Bread Box

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TIGHT PANTS BODY ROLLS + LYRICS	[May. 25th, 2010\|03:05 pm]
I was walking through the forest of Moccasin breath when I saw a troll boy wearing tight pants I want to own them, but can you even dance in those pants? “Watch me, woman!” They made him move like a vessel of shimmy, All sweet and tender like a tiny baby kitty. I need to get some! Put my body in them, then I will rule the land!! Is that an angel baby? No! That’s his dance moves! Yes! Watch my lady honey grooves! Feed me lots of Jamba Juice! Call me lady tiger, but I never eat my young, no! My legs in those pants, a dream! When I would move, I’d scream: Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! I begged that boy to make me some Gotta dance like that where I come from Grab a partner form a line Cut and stitch and make ‘em shine Work that elastic it’s looking fantastic P-p-please stitch ‘em pretty ‘cause my body can’t handle that It’s just the power of the lycra Tickles my tigra Let me get inside of ‘em and stretch, stretch, stretch! And tell yourself you’re a vessel of shimmy And activate your dance floor kitty When I place my legs in a cage of spandex I dance like hell to release the madness Watch my feet pound holes in plywood Watch my hips crush plates of baked goods Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! ‘Twas the last stitch on the final seam He placed onto me, my leg hairs quivered and screamed I know I needed them more than ever But then he looked at my legs and said “NEVER!” I was already wearing tight pants I just did not activate them! Wow! Body roll body roll high kick high kick This is how we do it … Body roll body roll high kick high kick … I’m a dance floor tiger lady pumping everything she has Touching every single lad Rubbing every lady gland Work that dance floor they may vote you mayor jazz One day have a plaque that says “She wore the tightest of pants” Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! Watch out for my body rolls! Watch out for my body rolls! High kicks! High kicks! This is how we do it! <3
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Google Searches. Hilarity.	[Aug. 17th, 2009\|12:17 am]
The greatest thing about Google search is that you start typing your search, and you're immediately bombarded with the stupidity of the common public. That is, you get to see what the most common search is for anything that begins with the same letters that you entered. Which obviously leads to some hilarious results if you type in something incredibly vague and leave it up to the average Joe to decide what we MUST know about and what the greatest questions in life are. Read on. Yes, Google knows how long you've been pregnant. It keeps track of how much sex everyone has, and when. Or maybe people are just trying to figure out how long they've been pregnant, if at all, so they can blame their fat on it. If that doesn't work; Weight Watchers. Beautiful. (Also, am I the only one who loves the fact that "I am Error" is on this list? I'm a geek, I know.) Real mature, intarwebs. (Mac? Fingers? Wtf?) Really? More people are interested in the primary colors than the seven deadly sins, or the seven wonders, or the bases? Since when did preschoolers replace horny teens on the internet? More people wonder about the capitol of California than the meaning of life. Maybe we should tell them that Sacramento seriously sucks. THE COON! (I'm glad we have our priorities straight. We wonder who the antichrist is before we even bother with who would take over our country should the President and Vice President die.) These are so ridiculously specific, with nothing that even vaguely interests me. It makes me wonder if 10 separate people entered their questions five hundred times just because they were bored, or they all died and their fingers are permanently stuck to "refresh". Google: for all your fecal-related troubles. (Why is a raven like a writing desk?) The fatties and preggos are back! The meal of your dreams - jello shots, followed by a bit of sushi, the top it off with some diaper cake. So that's how it knows when I got pregnant! Post your own findings!
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The Origin of Halloween	[Jan. 5th, 2009\|09:03 pm]
Let me tell you about the origin of Halloween. No really, that's what this story is called. Halloween began fairly recently, in a modern society, much like the one we have today. People lived in cute little houses next to each other, with pretty little lawns out front, on which they placed many garden gnomes and flamingos. One day, a woman named Beatrice decided to buy a shitload of candy. Beatrice lived alone with her cats all eighteen of them). If you ever asked Beatrice about her cats, she'd tell you all their names: Fluffles, Cuddly-kins, Bubba Boo, Snoogums, Herr Leopold, Christoph Onegin, Queen Latifah, Mittens, Snowball, Stacey, Little Beatrice, Arthur, Goat Entrails, Barack Obama, Georgina, Teddy, Jesus Christ, and Saddam. Saddam was the one with three legs. Anyway, Beatrice had a ton of candy. Why did she buy the candy? Hell if I know, do crazy cat ladies do anything that makes sense? So Beatrice suddenly realized that she was allergic to sugar. "Oh yeah," she remembered, "That's why I have to eat cat food." That's not why she ate cat food. She was just messed up. Beatrice, being the kind-hearted old woman that she was, decided to go around to each house in the neighborhood and give away the candy to little kids. She went to the first door, her next-door neighbor. Ding-dong. The door opened, and a middle-aged man in boxers was standing there. "Whaddayou want?" he grunted. "You better not be trying to sell me anything. Hey, what's that funny costume for?" "Costume? This is my casual evening garb. I wear it because I am Alanecia, fairy queen of the meadows." Beatrice said, and she twirled around in her floral gown. "Mhmm..." the man said. "Sounds like fun. Don't you have someplace to be? Like, a fairy counsel meeting over at the hospital down the road?" "Oh no, I live next door, I'm not one of those crazy people." Beatrice said with a wink. "Oh shit." the man said, with a horrified expression. "I thought no one lived there, that's where I've been stashing all the...hey, what's that?!" The man pointed behind Beatrice, and when she turned to look, he slammed the door shut. "What a nice man." Beatrice said, and she marched onto the next house. Ding-dong. A mother answered the door. "Oh, hello..." she said, staring questionably at Beatrice's outfit. "Hello. I am Beatrice. I live a couple doors down. Would you like some candy?" "Oh..." the mother said. "What for?" "For your children. Are they here?" "N-no, they're at school." "Oh monkey feathers! I guess I'll just have to wait on your doorstep until they come home." "Oh God, please don't do this to me-I mean, that's really unnecessary ma'm, here, I'll just take some candy for them." The mother reached out and grabbed a fistful of candy, then retreated into the house, slamming the door behind her. "Success!" Beatrice cried. "Onward, Saddam!" Did I mention she had Saddam in her handbag? Beatrice went from house to house, distributing candy to those who were patient enough to listen. Eventually she ran out of candy, and went home to her cats. "Whoo, what a day." Beatrice said. "I'm never doing that again." The next year, she bought another shitload of candy. So she gave it away to the neighbors. The next year, it happened again, and the year after that, until it became a neighborhood tradition. "Hey, Mrs. Johnson!" One neighbor would call to another. "Don't forget tomorrow, October 31st, the day Beatrice gives out free candy!" But one year, when Beatrice was older and tireder than usual, she sat down on her couch and said, "Fuck it. If they want their goddamn candy, they can come and get it themselves." So the kids started coming to Beatrice's house instead. They thought it was funny how Beatrice was always dressed up in funny costumes, so they would wear costumes to pick up their candy. It was more to make fun of her than anything else. But one day, Beatrice died, as all cat ladies do, and the children were left sugar-less. "You know what?" One neighborhood parent said, "We should hand out candy every October 31st, and everyone can dress up in costumes. In honor of Beatrice." "That's a terrible idea." Another parent said. "MOMMY I WANT CANDY!" her daughter screeched. "Alright, jeez, calm the fuck down. We'll do the stupid Beatrice thing." the mother said. "But what are we going to call it?" "Halloween!" the daughter said. "Halloween? Are you high? What the hell does that mean?" But the mother never got an answer, because her daughter's face was already stuffed with candy. So that is the story of the origin of Halloween. Some say that the ghost of Beatrice walks the earth, with the little kitty ghost of Saddam limping behind her. If you see the ghost of Beatrice, you must leave a bowl of cat food outside your door, or else Beatrice will throw a fit and kick at your fence, grumble a little to herself, then give up and leave you alone.
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Pride and Prejudice in a Turtle Shell	[Jan. 5th, 2009\|08:56 pm]
PRIDE AND PREJUDICE In a Turtle Shell Characters: Mrs. Bennet: An annoying old gossiper. The mother of 5 daughters, who insists on marrying them off the second they hit fourteen. Mr. Bennet: Mrs. Bennet's husband. A man of very, very, very few words. Jane: The oldest daughter. Very pretty. Elizabeth: The second oldest. Main character. Catherine: The other daughter that nobody really cares about. Lydia: The youngest daughter, about fifteen or something. Mary: The emo daughter that plays sad songs on the piano and is seen in the shadows of every scene. Mr. Bingley: A very rich man. He rarely blinks. Mr. Darcy: The man seen lurking in every frame of the BBC's Pride and Prejudice miniseries. He is unlikeable. Chapters 1-4 Mrs. Bennet: Hello, I'm a gossipy old woman and I have 5 daughters. Jane: Hi, I'm the oldest dau- Mrs. Bennet: Good Lord, did you see that lady prancing beyond the window? Why, she was quite aesthetically challenged. Her head was rather lopsided too. Jane: Yes, mother...I- Mrs. Bennet: She had a monstrous nose, too. Ah, girls such as her make me ill. Jane: Mother! That was unkind- Mrs. Bennet: Speaking of things and stuff, why aren't you married? Lizzy: Ohoho...burrrn... Mrs. Bennet: Oh Lizzy, you must be married too. How old are you again? Fourteen? It's rather late. Lizzy: I'm twenty... Mrs. Bennet: faints Ten butlers walk into the room, fan Mrs. Bennet's face with paper money, then walk briskly out. She regains consciousness Mrs. Bennet: Oh...the horror of it! If you five are not wed in due time, I'm afraid we will be poverty stricken for the rest of our years! Lydia: walks into the room Mum, where should I put the crystal vases? Mrs. Bennet: On top of the antique dresser, dear. Be sure not to knock over the heirloom candlesticks. Mr. Bennet sulks into the room with a book under one arm and a glass of tea in the other Mrs. Bennet: Well! It appears Mr. Bennet has decided to join us. How are you? Mr. Bennet: grunts Mrs. Bennet: Did you hear of that Mr. Bingley? Mr. Bennet: grunts Mrs. Bennet: WHAT?! You met with him? I...I think I shall faint... Mr. Bennet: Not on the nice carpet again, go in the kitchen. Mrs. Bennet: He is...he is... Jane: Handsome? Lizzy: Intelligent? Catherine: Comical? Lydia: Playful? Mary: emofully Torn between the abysmal knowledge that doth plague mankind, and the freedom of one's soul, thus rendering him eternally forsaken and doomed to roam without purpose or meaning... Everyone: ... Mary: ...Tall? Mrs. Bennet: No no no, none of that matters you silly girls! Hah, intelligence! You are greatly misled, Lizzy. If only you were as sharp as Lydia here. Lydia is picking at her toes. She looks up Lydia: Huh? Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Bingley is very, VERY rich. He has rented Netherfield Park and I believe he will stay long enough for me to send one of you off to marry him. Lizzy: Which is how long? Mrs. Bennet: I'd give it ten days. For Mary...twelve. Mary: head droops and she sulks out of the room -Some time later- Mr. Bennet: grunts Mrs. Bennet: You spoke with Mr. Bingley? He came here?! Why was I not informed of his presence?! Lydia: You were watching people on the road through the spyglass upstairs. Mrs. Bennet: ...Oh. So I was. Well, in any case, we should invite him for dinner. Mary: plays the piano in the corner, murmuring under her breath Lizzy: Mary, you've been playing the piano for a few hours, let's go upstairs- Mary: emofully Time. What we define as time is merely an illusion, some cosmic deception wrought by heathen gods. There is no time, only pain...and destruction... Lizzy: ...H-have fun, sis... -Some time later- Mrs. Bennet: Bullocks! London, BAH! That Mr. Bingley and his little excursion out of the country, I-I...he MUST stay to marry one of you! I will not stand for this! Butler: Mrs. Bennet, I believe you have an invitation to a ball. Mrs. Bennet: Where? Who? Butler: In Meryton. Mr. Bingley will be attending, with his two sisters and a man named Darcy. Mrs. Bennet: cackles And now the pendulum swings in OUR direction! Mary: emofully Pendulums. One amongst millions of human inventions that- Lizzy: pulls delicately on Mary's arm Upstairs sis...come on... Lizzy and Mary go upstairs to get ready for the ball Catherine: So this "Darcy" man-... Butler: That would be his last name. Catherine: Oh thank God. -At the ball- They are standing on the steps to the building Mrs. Bennet: Now girls, I would like you to search out husbands. If you see a married man, do not even bother speaking with him. It's a waste of time. Lizzy: But- Mrs. Bennet: Oh Lizzy, I can just see you growing up in the middle of the woods somewhere, living in a cabin with dozens of cats, having no one to speak with because you are poor, unmarried, and disliked by all. What a sad little life! Lizzy:Thanks, mum... They enter Mr. Bingley: I'm so delighted that all of you could come. Please, Jane, let us dance. Mrs. Bennet: You got any brothers? Unmarried, rich, dashing young brothers? Mr. Bingley: I am afraid that I have but two sisters. They are seated there. He points to two women who are glaring at everyone with infinite hatred Mrs. Bennet: They look so amiable! Mary: Kindred spirits...she glides over to the Bingley sisters Lizzy: ... -A short while later- Darcy and Bingley are chatting it up. Darcy is apparently a lurker. Mr. Bingley: And Jane, why, she is the most gorgeous girl I have ever met! Darcy: bored Do tell. Mr. Bingley: Her eyes...and her flowing locks of golden hair, and her precious voice... Darcy: Fascinating. Mr. Bingley: It is too much to behold. Darcy, you must dance with one of them, there are many beautiful girls here. Darcy: Really. Mr. Bingley: There's Elizabeth Bennet, sitting there. She has no dance partner, would you ask her? Darcy: glances over She's quite ugly. Mr. Bingley: chokes on a drink Darcy! How can you say that!? You are heartless! Darcy: Yes. I am heartless, apathetic, and feel no emotions. I despise other human beings. Mary abruptly stops playing the piano with a fumble of random notes, and looks around wildly Mary: ...Something wonderful just happened. -Back at their home- Mr. Bennet is still reading a book, sipping tea in the middle of their living room. Mrs. Bennet: Mr. Bennet you will NEVER guess what happened, my, it was the greatest dance ever to have taken place- Mr. Bennet: Let me guess...they danced? Mrs. Bennet: shrill, piercing, intensely annoying laughter Why yes! That is exactly it! They danced-you should have seen how entranced Mr. Bingley was with Jane, OUR daughter Jane! Mr. Bennet: without looking up Wonderful. he flips a page of his book Mrs. Bennet: I believe that he may ask her to wed him soon, they are a perfect pair! Mr. Bennet: Delightful. Mrs. Bennet: As for the others, well it was awful! This Darcy man insulted our dear Lizzy! Lizzy: It's fine...I hate that guy anyways. Mrs. Bennet: But to insult you! That is an insult upon the family! Mr. Bennet: Sorry to hear about that, Lizzy. he pats her on the shoulder Mrs. Bennet: He is so monstrous! He is vile! He- Mr. Bennet: Yeah, we know. Mrs. Bennet: You don't quite understand, he- Mr. Bennet: throws down his book Look, could you like...shut up or something? Seriously woman. I'm a very busy man. My job, to keep this family afloat, I am required to sit here and read books in the living room. If I can't do that, then we will have no money at all. Let me resume my work! Everyone: ... Lizzy: ...slowly walks upstairs. The girls follow Mrs. Bennet: ... Mr. Bennet: ... Mrs. Bennet: ...I...I think I'll go make some awkward soup-I mean, potato soup, yes...I'll go...she walks out Mr. Bennet: looks back at the book Ugh, I've gotta find out what these Hallows things are. -Upstairs- Lizzy: I hate the Bingley sisters. Jane: Lizzy, you can't be serious. Lizzy: I'm getting terrible vibes from them, they aren't to be associated with. Jane: You say that about everyone. Lizzy: No, Mary says that about everyone. Although she comments on their auras rather than their vibes... Jane: That's beside the point. Well, I think they are kind in polite conversation. If you dislike them, then you will have to learn to tolerate them as long as they are here. Lizzy: Or as long as you are with Bingley I suppose. He really does like you. Jane: It's because I'm beautiful, isn't it? Lizzy: I guess. Jane: I am so pretty, aren't I? Tell me how pretty I am! Lizzy: Yeah, you look great-you know what, I'm going to call it a day. 'Night. Jane: But I need people to compliment me... Lizzy: as she closes the door Ask Mary. The door shuts. Jane looks around, and jumps as she spots Mary sitting on a chair in front of her bed, staring at her with wide, dark eyes. Mary:* Good night, Jane.
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CATS the Musical - first draft	[Jan. 5th, 2009\|08:52 pm]
I was going through Andrew Lloyd Weber's things the other day and I stumbled across this gem. It is the first draft of his musical "Cats". It appears to have changed quite a bit between this version and publication. Please, enjoy. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ -The curtains open to reveal a dining room, with a wide window on one wall. There is a cat lying sprawled across a cushion- -A few moments pass- -Suddenly, a girl runs screaming into the room.- Girl: MOMMY MOMMY there's a dead pigeon in my room! -Mother rushes into the dining room. The cat has not moved- Mother: Shhh...it's all right... Girl: There are ants and bugs everywhere! It...it must've been left there last night! Mother: Hm, approximately the same time I let Fluffles indoors. -They both glance at the sleeping cat- Girl: Mom, I hate Fluffles! I hate him! He's useless and he just lies there all day, making me miserable! Mother: sigh Yes...that's what cats do. -Curtains close. Applause.- -Next scene, a toddler boy is playing with a puppy. The puppy is happy and friendly. However, a cat watches from atop a bookshelf.- Father: I don't think Snowball likes Fido very much. She's always watching him, with that evil look in her eyes. Mother: Don't look at her, darling. Her eyes will suck you in and you'll be possessed by a demon soul. Fact. Father: shivers visibly Toddler: Puppy! he claps happily and the puppy barks -The cat begins prowling back and forth along the bookshelf, then suddenly, it lunges.- -It collides with a table, knocking over a glass vase with a loud screech, then it scrambles passed the bewildered puppy and toddler, then races out the open front door.- Mother: ...What just happened? Father: Snowball ran away whispers Thank God... Mother: That's great! Cats are known to abandon their owners and be picky little monsters, we'd be fools to ever expect the pet we've fed and cared for to come running back to us - cats just don't do that! -Curtains close. Applause.- -Final scene, a group of cats are gathered behind a house, all hissing loudly and mewing- Cat #1: Meow! Cat #2: Purs Cat #1: Bats at a blade of grass with its paw Cat #3: is sleeping Cat #2: Sees a bird in a tree, and slowly stalks after it Cat #1: Runs away Cat #4: Coughs up a fur ball Cat #5: Rolls around in the dirt -Curtains close. Applause.
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"Hips Don't Lie" by William J. Shakespeare	[Jan. 5th, 2009\|08:51 pm]
Gentlewomen are residing hither this eve Hark, and dare not brawl We are accompanied by those fleeing persecution Listen, and refrain from scuffling Shakira, Shakira I was previously unaware of the manner with which that lass could promenade She has convinced the gentlemen to learn the language of the Spaniards Como se llama. Bonita. Mi casa. Su casa. Shakira, Shakira Alas, infant, when thou speaks in such a manner Thou causes a member of the female gender to lose all sanity. Have prudence and continue in thy interpretation of the indications of my corpus. The anatomical area below the torso, known as the "hips" are incapable of decreeing false statements I am gradually becoming aware of the pervading affinity Has thou paid heed to the unblemished nature of it all? Excuse me, maiden, I am perceiving movement of thine person and I am losing all sanity I was not previously aware of said condition until I viewed thy capering rhythmically. When thou migrates to the area on which social gatherings occur All are instinctively notified of the manner with which thou shaketh thine body It is quite surprising - the movements to the east and west Continue in thy efforts I was previously unaware of the manner with which that lass could promenade She has convinced the gentlemen to learn the language of the Spaniards Como se llama. Bonita. Mi casa. Su casa. Shakira, Shakira Alas, infant, when thou speaks in such a manner Thou causes a member of the female gender to lose all sanity. Have prudence and continue in thy interpretation of the indications of my corpus. The anatomical area below the torso, known as the "hips" are incapable of decreeing false statements I am gradually becoming aware of the pervading affinity Has thou paid heed to the unblemished nature of it all? (repeat said verse twice, or thrice if desired) Dear lad, my eyes perceive your anatomical structures shifting Akin to a lycanthrope, centaur, or faun I posses no control over my actions However, thou has a scheme in mind I am afflicted by the futility of my own temperance It is difficult to form phrases from the thoughts evoked by my mannerisms Baila en la calle de noche Baila en la calle de día Baila en la calle de noche Baila en la calle de día I was previously unaware of the manner with which that lass could promenade She has convinced the gentlemen to learn the language of the Spaniards Como se llama. Bonita. Mi casa. Su casa. Shakira, Shakira Alas, infant, when thou speaks in such a manner I fall into a heathen-like trance of deception Have prudence and continue in thy interpretation of the indications of my corpus. Mistress, touch upon a Latin American dance, so we may believe that thou hast cometh from the nation of the Colombians Mira en Barranquilla se baila así, say it! Mira en Barranquilla se baila así Yonder lass is quite attractive likened to I, one seeking asylum amongst my "Fugees" in an underdeveloped nation This is the line in which I create an obscure reference to a Mother Goosery figure A necessity of mine is to create motion sickness amongst an entire group For what reasons do the subjects of the Queen wish to monitor our actions? Colombians and Haitians I have committed no wrong, Your Grace, we are exchanging symphonies We shall not grasp twine Fleeing persons sail through the waters as they possess brigantines and sloops The anatomical area below the torso, known as the "hips" are incapable of decreeing false statements We must persist in a lethargic manner Has thou paid heed to the unblemished nature of it all? The anatomical area below the torso, known as the "hips" are incapable of decreeing false statements I am gradually becoming aware of the pervading affinity Has thou paid heed to the unblemished nature of it all? Hark, do not quarrel Dare not fighteth
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Stephenie Meyer's College Essay	[Jan. 5th, 2009\|08:44 pm]
It's really really good. Question #4: You have an opportunity to meet a fictional character from a novel you have read. Write a creative essay that describes your encounter. ~~~~~~ It was a dark and stormy night. Rain danced upon the window sill. And the window sill danced upon the house. Everything was personified. I sat next to the window, staring wistfully out, dreaming of something that made my eyes look really misty and thoughtful. "Stephanie, it's almost time for bed." My mother said with a scowl. "I know, Mom." I said. She walked away. I turned back to the window, but gasped and fell backwards onto the floor in shock. The most beautiful person I had ever seen was drifting outside of the window, his perfect marble-like pale skin gleaming in the moonlight. I could tell that it was probably ice cold. His hair was an unusual yet gorgeous bronze shade, and his eyes glistened golden topaz. His name...was Edward Cullen. "Oh Edward, you have come for me!" I cried. "Yes." Edward said. "Let's get married." I cast open the window and went flying with him through the cool night air, tears of joy streaming down my face. "This is the best day of my life!" I whispered. "I know." Edward said. "Are you going to turn me into a vampire?" I asked. "No." Edward said. "I'm a vegetarian." "Me too!" I said. "We were made for each other!" And that is the story of how I met Edward Cullen, my current husband. Please let me into your college. -Stephanie Meyer
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Wicked: The Abridged Musical (Act II)	[Sep. 25th, 2008\|10:26 pm]
-The lights go down, but only after it's obvious that half the audience has already left, because they all know that Defying Gravity is the only good song in the show.- -Madame Morrible, Glinda, and Fiyero are on some platform in the middle of the city- Morrible: Attention! May I have your attention please! No one: cares Morrible: People! I only have a few scenes before I become a disposable character! Glinda: weeping Nobody cares about Fiyero and me. Morrible: What? You and Fiyero? Glinda: Yeah, we're going to announce our engagement. Morrible: Oh. Okay, you can do that. Glinda: What did you think we were doing? Morrible: I thought we'd introduce the Jonas Brothers before letting them play us a song. Sorry boys. Jonas Brothers: It's okay, we have a gig at a preschool graduation anyway. they leave Glinda: My fellow Ozians! Ozanese! Ozicans! The hawt mancakes and I are engaged! We're gonna get married! Townsgirl: Why wasn't I cast as Elphaba? Morrible: grabs microphone You're too chubby. Townsgirl: weeps Morrible: Also, everyone needs to keep an eye out for the Wicked Witch. If you encounter her, don't move - she can only see movement. But she might be able to smell you. Townsguy: Are we talking about dinosaurs or Elphaba? Morrible: There's a difference? Townsguy: Well...I think dinosaurs have tails. Morrible: Sonny, I'm her stalker. And let me tell you, that isn't a difference. Glinda: ... Fiyero: ... Townsgirl: ...I like being a townsgirl. -Munchkinland - the land of the ~~midgets~~ little people- Elphaba is sneaking around. She breaks into the governor's house, because she is ballsy. Elphaba: omg i feel like harry potter sneak sneak Nessarose: swivels around in her wheelchair You're late. Elphaba: JEEZ! How long have you been sitting there? Nessarose: About a minute. I heard the front door open. Elphaba: Oh. Nessarose: Yeah. Elphaba: Yyyeah... Nessarose: Mhmm... Elphaba: So- Nessarose: I- Elphaba: Oh no, you go ahead. Nessarose: No no you go first. Elphaba: Really? Nessarose: Yeah, that's fine. Elphaba: You sure? Nessarose: Not a problem. Elphaba: Okay. So. How are things? Nessarose: I'm still bitter about my disabilities. Boq is distant and won't share his love for me. I've enslaved the entire country of Munchkinland. Elphaba: ...Busy as always, I see. Nessarose: Elphaba, if you're this great witch who can do anything- Elphaba: Whoa whoa, I can't do anything, I mean, I can't shoot noodles from my eyes. Just my fingers. Nessarose: You should have helped me with my legs. Elphaba: That's ridiculous. You're crippled because God hates you, and I don't mess with the good Lord. Nessarose: You're just saying that because mom always used to say it! Elphaba: Yeah? Nessarose: FIX IT! Elphaba: Okay, jeez, settle down lady. Elphaba sacrifices a chicken. Nessarose can now walk Nessarose: Oh my gosh! I need to go tell Boq! Boq: I'm right here. Elphaba: Oh wow, you're really unnoticeable as both an actor and a character. Boq: weeps Distraught and lonely, Boq tries to steal Christmas. He is apprehended by the police with brute froce, and near death, he lies on a hospital bed. Doctor: We can rebuild him. We have the technology. Boq bursts out of the hospital in a body made of tin. And the Tin Man is born. Nessarose: What?! -Elphaba is sneaking again. She goes to the Wizard's place, this time with a rape whistle on a string around her neck.- Wizard still in pajamas: Hello, Elphaba. Would you like to see my monkeys? Elphaba: Reaches for whistle....Oh, oh right, the flying ones. I was going to let them go free. Wizard: I'm afraid I can't let you do that. Elphaba walks over to the cage and opens the door. The monkeys fly out. Dr. Dillamond is also locked in there. He sees Elphaba Dillamond: Oh! Thank you Elpha- Elphaba shuts the door and locks it Wizard: Wow. I mean, I'm cruel, but that was totally heartless of you. Elphaba: Ugh, fine. tosses Dillamond a sugar cube -Madame Morrible suddenly has the power to control the weather, like Storm from X-Men. Except she is neither attractive nor Halle Barry.- Morrible: Perhaps a cyclone I shall make, to capture Elphaba with a- Adviser: Rake? Morrible: I wasn't going to say rake. How would I catch someone with a rake? Adviser: I s'pose you could scrape them with the metal pointy things. Morrible: What, like a back-scratcher? I need to catch her, not scratch her itches. Adviser: Well, you could still pin her against a wall with a rake. Morrible: Before she ducks under it? Adviser: Then have 3 rakes, one above the other. Morrible: I'm not using a rake! Adviser: Noted, Madame. Morrible: ...Got any other bright ideas? Adviser: pulls out a notepad Beat her with sausages, fill her shoes with jelly, send her boxes filled with salt, I got like twenty of these. Morrible: peers at him You look exactly like one of our janitors. Which adviser are you? Adviser: ... Morrible: ... Adviser: slowly backs out of the room, then bolts -Somewhere in Oz- Nessarose: I'm bitter about my disabilities. -BOOOMMM!!!- Elphaba flies to the scene of Nessarose's untimely falling-house-related death Elphaba: NESSA! Oh God, Nessa! she kneels by her You were bitter and unrelateable, but I still loved you! Kind of! Morrible: Seize her! The guards surround Elphaba with rakes. They scratch at her cloak fabric. Elphaba flies away Morrible: ...dammit. -They kidnap Fiyero instead, and are going to torture him for information about Elphaba. Instead of, say, teleporting him, turning him into something that can escape, or making him invisible, Elphaba turns him into a bag of straw.- Fiyero: Elphabaaaa, I'm going to catch on fire now because I'm so hot! Elphaba: Teehee. <3 -Some witch-hunt gathering initiated by Boq, who is apparently just as bitter as his late wife.- Boq: Look what she did to me! I'm a machine! Townsguy: ...But, doesn't that mean you're super strong? You can't get sick? You live longer? Boq: And look what she did to this lion! She set him free and now he can talk! Townsguy: That's...a really good thing, actually. Boq: She also kicked a puppy once! Townsgirl: OMG that BITCH. I will CUT her! -The mob arrives at Elphaba's castle (she has a castle?) with shanking knives and buckets of water to feed the puppies Elphaba is supposedly holding captive.- They bang on the door Elphaba: Who is it? Townspeople: RABBLE RABBLE! Elphaba: Did you see the sign? It says "No Angry Mobs" They break down the door Elphaba: HEY! Boq: Throw water on her, she'll melt! Elphaba: Excuse me? Someone splashes a bucket of water on Elphaba. She is completely soaked, her face, dripping. Elphaba: wipes off her face with her sleeve Fuck this shit. Come on, Fiyero. Fiyero and Elphaba link arms and walk into the sunset and live happily ever after. Glinda: ...Um...Hooray! The witch is dead! All hail the good witch Glinda! Dorothy: Let me go home. Audience: Us too. -THE END-
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Eugene Onegin Abridged	[Sep. 21st, 2008\|09:12 pm]
Okay. So I went to an opera today in San Jose. The theater was old, and it smelled like old people because there were only old people in the audience. I'm pretty sure that I was the only teenager there out of 600ish people. This is how it went. ~~~ Conductor: I'm the star of the show, so that's why the spotlight is on me the whole time. I'm really flamboyant too. Curtains: open Old lady behind me: HACK COUGH HACK HOOOOO -The scene is a country house in...Germany? Bulgaria? Russia? Yeah, Russia I think.- Old lady behind me: WHEEEEEZE Other lady: Dude, you want a cough drop or something? -ACT ONE: THE ACT THAT THEY COULD HAVE LEFT OUT- Supertitles: Hi! We're here to make your neck hurt! Madame Larina: I hate my marriage. Maybe I can steal my daughters' childhoods. Olga: OMG mom, Lensky my lovey-dovey is coming! Tatyana: Is he coming with his totally sexy friend? I mean, not that I'm interested or anything...mumbles Olga: Oh Tatyana, you're so unattractive when you stand next to me. Peasants:Helloooo Russian countrypeople! How are we today? We brought wheat and grainstuff for you guys to make bread or whatever the hell you use this for. -Everyone dances to rejoice in labor exploitation- Peasants: So, what's up-? Madame Larina: No, your scene's over. Peasants: wander offstage Olga: OMG OMG Lensky is coming! Lensky: comes OMG OMG OLGA! -They are happy- -Eugene Onegin, Lensky's sexy friend, is eying Tatyana.* -They eye-flirt for like five minutes while the other people sing- Lensky: OMG Olgaaa, I was like so sad when I didn't see you for a day, I felt like it was an eternity! Olga: Awww...that's so sweet! Lensky: No seriously, I was devastated, I was like crying all day, and I didn't eat anything because I wanted to see you, and then I started cutting my wrists and arms- Olga: Heh, okay Lensky, you're getting kind of clingy... -That night in Tatyana's room, with her nanny- Tatyana: I'm so mopey and depressed but I think Onegin likes me. Nanny: ...Mkay. Tatyana: I'm in LOVE! Nanny: Didn't you just meet him today-? Tatyana: We're going to get married! We have to! I'm going to propose! Nanny: W-what? Tatyana: I'm going to write an impassioned letter to him! It's going to be SCANDALOUS!!! Nanny: ...Mkay. leaves -Tatyana writes a letter- Katie: (2 minutes into the letter-writing song) Hm...she's writing quite a bit. Katie: (5 minutes in) Keep on scribbling, sister... Katie: (10 minutes in) checks watch I wonder if I have Psych homework. Katie: (15 minutes in) What the fuck, this is half of the first act?! Nanny: wanders back in ...Oh, you're up early. It's almost time for church. Tatyana: I've been writing for the past 10 hours apparently. That's why there's a red morning light in the window. Nanny: I thought that was radiation. We ARE in Russia... -Onegin gets the letter. He is disturbed. They meet on a bench in the middle of the woods- Tatyana: YOU GOT MY LETTER! Onegin: Yyyeah, about that...I'm really freaked out right now. Tatyana: Why? Was it the part about how I planned our wedding and the number of kids we would have and their names and where they would go to school and- Onegin: Tatyana, I'm not a one-girl man. Tatyana: You're a Mormon? Onegin: No. I don't want to get married, I like being free. Tatyana: Me too! We have so much in common, that's why we should marry! Onegin: ... Tatyana: Right? Right? Onegin: I'm going to go right ahead and give up on this conversation, and tell them to drop the curtains. Tatyana: Nooooooo- Curtains: Wheeeeeee! fall -ACT TWO: THE ONLY GOOD ACT- -They are having some kind of party for Tatyana...like a Bat Mitzvah, but for little Russian girls? Maybe? I dunno.- People:Rabble rabble rabble good food good wine rabble rabble Monsieur Triquet: Hiiii guyssss, I'm going to sing a poem for Tatyana! prances and makes her sit in a chair Madame Larina: Who hired this fruitcake? Triquet: sings in French. Madame Larina: SEE! I TOLD YOU! -The Russians pretend they can understand him. I mean, seriously, why would they even bother learning French?- Onegin: This party BLOWS, Lensky. I can't believe you made me come to this, I'm so embarrassed! Lensky: Onegin, be polite! Smile and say hello to Tatyana. Onegin: No, I don't care! You never let me do what I want! -So Onegin decides to steal Lensky's fiance, Olga, to make him jealous and angry. Really, Onegin? Lensky is like the football quarterback, and you're the chess club captain.- Onegin: dances with Olga Olga: is enjoying herself Lensky: OMGWTF GTFO!!! Onegin: Chill out, I just held her hand and whispered in her ear, and grabbed her ass. Lensky: I CHALLENGE YOU TO A DUEL, SIR MANWHORE! People: DUEL DUEL DUEL DUEL DUEL!!! -So Lensky is waiting outside with the duel officiator for Onegin. He laments, while dramatic snow drifts from the ceiling.- Ceiling: Let this snow dry your tears, Lensky. Katie: (2 minutes into the lament) Hm, Onegin's a little late. Katie: (5 minutes in) I wonder where he is. Katie: (15 minutes in) DUDE, HE'S NOT COMING! GO HOME! Onegin: comes Oh, hey Lensky. Lensky: Hey. Onegin: ... Lensky: ... Onegin: So I was thinking, this whole thing is kind of rash, you know? Lensky: Yeah, I totally get what you're saying. I mean, you're my best friend and everything. Onegin: Let's just grab a beer and go home, we really don't want this to come between us. Lensky: Oh yeah, definitely. -They are about to shake hands- Duel Officiator: Okay, who wants a gun? Lensky: GIMME. Onegin: Wha? Lensky: POW POW POW POW! Onegin: BAM!!! -The old people in the audience freak out- Onegin: NOOOOOOOOO!!! he grabs Lensky OMG, DUEL MAN, IS HE DEAD? Duel Officiator: Yeah. I'm going to get back to filming Harry Potter, because I look exactly like Dumbeldore. hobbles away Onegin: NooooooOOooooo...OOOoo...Ceiling, dry my tears with your snow! Ceiling: Sorry, we ran out during Lensky's Lament. Onegin: NOOOOOOOO! Curtains: Fweeeee! fall -ACT THREE: THE UNINTENTIONALLY FUNNY ACT- -They are at a big party. Everyone is really fancy.- Tatyana: enters on the arm of a tall rich guy SUCK IT, LADIES-I MARRIED THE PRINCE OF RUSSIA. Other ladies: ...I want to marry a prince. Katie: Russia has a prince? Onegin: appears out of nowhere Who's that better, richer, more attractive version of Tatyana? Prince: That's my wife, Tatyana. Onegin: ...OMG IT'S TATYANA! Prince: I can introduce you two in the most awkward manner possible, if that would be alright. Tatyana! Come meet my friend! Tatyana: is aloof Oh, Onegin. We meet again. Onegin: Your wife is hot. Prince: Oh...well, thank you. Onegin: Like, smokin' hot. Prince: ... Onegin: ... Prince: The door's over there. -Back at home, Onegin writes an impassioned letter to Tatyana- Onegin: Hm...types "In my dreams, I kiss your-" Robby: BAD MOVE, MAN. -Tatyana gets an appropriate opera-approved version of Onegin's letter- Tatyana: Jeez, does THIS bring back memories. Onegin: bursts into the room TATYANA! Tatyana: ONEGIN? Um, how...how long have you been there? Onegin: Seven hours and forty-three minutes. Listen, Tatyana, I think we still have something. Tatyana; Oh my God, I think I love you again. Onegin: ...Whoa, really? Tatyana: Yes, your complete violation of my privacy and stalking of me, it's romantic! Onegin: Yes, let's run away, and get married! Tatyana: No, we can't! -They sing about it for 15 minutes. The Prince doesn't hear their lamenting AT ALL even though they're practically screaming, and never walks in while Onegin is clinging to Tatyana's leg.- Onegin: Pleeeeeassseeee? Tatyana: GERROUT! Onegin: Okay. Onegin and Tatyana part ways. Curtain: throws up as it drops Old people: wake up, grumbling Katie: ARE YOU KIDDING ME?! THAT'S THE ENDING?! Old people: start walking out before the bows Hurry up Phyllis, I'm going to miss Jeopardy. Katie: Dude-! I have Shakespeare to read, but I'm not bailing out! Everyone: bows Conductor: I get to bow last because I'M the MOST important! Katie: I WANT MY THREE HOURS BACK! -THE END-
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Wicked - The Abridged Musical	[Aug. 22nd, 2008\|11:15 pm]
Wicked: Abridged Two parents: Let’s have a baby. Awkward birthing scene. The audience appears uncomfortable Director: Hey, at least she’s facing away from you. Baby: WAAHHHHH. Father: Oh my God… Mother: What is it? Is it a boy? A girl? Father: It’s…green! You gave birth to Shrek! Mother:Oh NO! to doctor Hurry, put it back! Put it BACK! Doctor: I-….what?! Mother: Throw it! Throw it away! Outside! Out the door-out the window! Doctor: For Pete’s sake, woman, I’m a doctor! Seriously, your baby could be so much more screwed up than this, it could have fins instead of legs. Mother: …Well…it could be a crazy fast swimmer or something. Like the next mutant Michael Phelps. Doctor: to baby I am so, so, sorry. -18ish years and innumerable family issues later- Mother: ELPHABA! ELPHIEEEE! COME HERE! Elphaba: Mom, I hate that name. Why can’t I have a normal name…like Nessarose? Or Bella Swan? Mother: Honey. Sweetie. she holds Elphaba’s face in her hands. We needed a completely disgusting name to match your thoroughly repulsive skin. she tweaks Elphaba’s nose Now go get your cripple of a sister. Elphaba wheels Nessarose in Mother: looks at the two and fights back tears You two…all ready for school. Oh, I’m going to cry. Elphaba: Mom…you ignore both of us, I hardly see how being gone would change that. Mother: You two are my little judgments from heaven – mommy’s personal karma! Now go get your schoolbooks. -At the school- Other kids: Look at the green girl! Ewww, she’s so green! Let’s call her names like “green-face” or “greenie”! Elphaba: Your creativity astounds me. Elphaba wheels Nessarose away, but Madame Morrible is lurking in the bushes Rustle Nessarose: What was that. Madame Morrible: steps out of the bushes Helloooo new students. Elphaba: … Morrible: … Elphaba: Are you a dude? Morrible: How dare you! And here I was just planning on kidnapping your sister and running off, and you have the nerve to insult me! HUFF! Elphaba: What was that first part? Morrible: Have at you! Morrible tries to take Nessarose, but is too rotund to escape Elphaba: LUMOS Elphaba’s speshul magick makes Nessarose fly back to her Morrible: Sweet mother of pearl! SHE’S A WITCH! Other kids: AHHHH! OH MY GOD IT’S A WITCH WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE SAVE US CHRISTIAN BALE!!! Elphaba: THIS IS A SCHOOL FOR MAGIC. Other kids: wut, o rite, lulz. Morrible: That was extra speshul magick, Elphaba. Moving a stationary object is level 8 Pokemon magic. I am impressed. Elphaba: That’s pathetic. Morrible: Oh, well EXCUUUSE me, Miss High-and-Mighty “I can move a chair” girl! Maybe the wizard can put you in your place! Elphaba: Really? That would be great, thanks. Morrible: Alright then. Elphaba: Okay. Morrible: See you later. She walks off Enter Galinda Galinda: Greetings, outcasts! I am a fountain overflowing with popularity! Perhaps if you bask in my shadow, you shall-AHHHHH! You’re greeeen! Elphaba: How dare you, it’s a life-threatening skin condition. Galinda: Oh, omigosh, I am so sorry! What do you have? Elphaba: Uh…Hepatitis BS. I’m Elphaba, by the way. Nessarose: I’m bitter and un-relatable as a character. Galinda: I…am Galinda! she twirls Elphaba, I should teach you how to be popular sometime. I know! I shall teach you through song and dance. Nessarose: Elphie, quick, wheel me off that balcony. Please. Galinda: music starts up Wheneeever I see someone less fortunate than I- Elphaba: That’s a sheer cliff. Nessarose: If you love me, Elphie, you’ll do it. Galinda: And let’s face it. Who isn’t, less fortunate than I- Elphaba: Okay Nessa, we’ll jump together. Nessarose: Elphie…you’re the best sister I’ve ever had. Elphaba: You too. they embrace Galinda: And when someone needs a makeover I simply have to take over! she pinches Elphaba’s face Elphaba: HIYA!!! Elphaba smashes her forehead into Galinda’s face Galinda crumples to the ground She doesn’t move Elphaba: …Shit. Nessarose: Wheel me away, now, NOW. They run -At their first class- Dr. Dillamond: Welcome to your first and only class that we ever get to see in this musical. I’m Dr. Dillamond. Dillamond tells his boring life story in a typical first-day-of-class way Dillamond: Now, are there any questions before we do an awkward icebreaker? Kid: Why are you so ugly? Kid 2: Can we not do an icebreaker? Kid 3: Are you a unicorn? Dillamond: holds up hooves Please, class. Those are all very good questions. Firstly, I am not as ugly as that girl over there in the fourth row, so be grateful that I’m at least tolerable to look for the next hour and a half. Elphaba: …What row are we in, Nessa? Dillamond: Secondly, we can skip the icebreaker if you really want to. I was going to have each of us share what our favorite brand of glue is. Class: … Dillamond: I personally prefer Elmer’s glue. It’s not as tangy or acidic as the others. Very sweet, great for washing down used napkins. And thirdly, no, I am not a unicorn, I am a goat. Elphaba: to Nessa Well that explains the trash-eating thing. Dillamond: I also drink my own urine. Class: … Elphaba: … Nessarose: … Dillamond: …Let’s begin! -After class- Dillamond is reading Entertainment magazine. After finishing a page, he eats it Elphaba: Dillamond- Dillamond: Oh please, call me Dillamond, dear. Elphaba: …Sir, why do animals talk? Dillamond: Well, when Aslan created Narnia, he gave the power of speech to two of every animal, and-…well, it’s a long and very copyrighted story. But now animals are starting to lose their ability to-BAAAHHHHHH!!! Elphaba: Excuse me? Dillamond: Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince got pushed back to NEXT YEAR?! Oh no…oh no…he collapses in his chair At least I still have those tickets to Equus. Elphaba: Aaand that’s my cue to leave. Dillamond: Save the animals! -Later- Elphaba is reading in her room. Galinda enters Galinda: Elphie, you know that there’s a ball tonight. Elphaba: That’s nice. she turns a page, not looking up Galinda: I think you should wear this absolutely monstrously ugly hat. Elphaba:Uh huh. Galinda: You will? Elphaba: Oh, I see. Galinda: Are you even listening? Elphaba: Yeah, same here. Galinda: ELPHIE! Elphaba: Hah, that’s funny. Tell the story again. Galinda rips the book out of Elphaba’s hands Nessarose: GALINDA, NO!!! Galinda drops the book and steps back Elphaba’s eye twitches Elphaba: Elphaba…MAD!!! Galinda: W…w…what? Elphaba: Elphaba…want…BOOK! Elphaba transforms into the Hulk. (Her eyes turn red. Nothing else happens.) Elphaba smashes her fist against the bedside table, then recoils Elphaba: Ahhh ahhh ahh ahh…ahgghg…inhales through teeth Ahhhhhh… Nessarose: I’ll get some ice. she pushes down against her wheelchair to get up, then stops She tries again Nessarose: Oh my God…oh my God, ELPHABA! Elphaba: What?! Nessarose: I-…oh Christ…my legs, they aren’t working! Elphaba, I’m paralyzed! Help! Help me! She falls onto the floor and starts crawling on her hands toward Elphaba Nessarose: ELPHIE! I’m dying! Elphaba: Oh. My. God. -At the ball- Galinda is the center of attention Galinda: so I wuz all “wut” and tehn evry1 wuz like “omg no wai galinda” and I wuz all “ya wai” Kid: Are you stupid or something? Elphaba enters the room Everyone: stares Galinda: Oh Elphie! You’re wearing the hat I gave you, how great. It looks PERRRFECT. Fiyero, doesn’t it look PERRRFECT on her? Elphaba: Fiyero? What a hawt mancakes. Boq: Wait! I’m a character in this musical too! he runs to Galinda Galinda, please dance with me! Galinda: Go dance with the wheelchair girl. It’ll make you look charitable. Boq: Okay Galinda, whatever you say! runs off Elphaba: Well. You’re quite the heartless bitch, aren’t you. Galinda: Hahaha, Elphie, you’re so sassy, I like your style! Let’s be bestest friends. She links arms with Elphaba Galinda: I’ll rent some unicorns so we can gallop under a rainbow then ride into the sunset together! Elphaba: doubles over I think I’m gonna be sick… Galinda: Ooo, you look really green – I’ll get a bucket. She prances off Elphaba: …Really? -At class the next day- an unfamiliar teacher walks in Teacher: Hey. I’m your new teacher for the rest of the year. Elphaba: Where’s Doctor Dillamond? Teacher: He’s seeing a play. Elphaba: Yeah, but, not for the whole year. Teacher: That’s how long Danny Radcliffe is on Broadway. You can bet Dillamond’ll be there. Elphaba: Aaand I regret ever bringing the subject up. Teacher: Good. So anyway, here is the subject of today’s lecture. Behold! he whips a sheet off what appears to be an animal cage Aren’t you scared? Aren’t you FRIGHTENED!? Elphaba: You have a cat in a cage? Teacher: No, it’s a lion! When I shut it in this little cage, it never talks! This is how you keep animals in their place, like that filthy goat you called a professor! Elphaba: Then why didn’t we think of this earlier? Teacher: You…you’re supposed to be appalled and outraged at my lack of compassion for animals. Elphaba: Oh, so just because I’m a woman, I have a soft spot for cuddly little kitties?! Teacher: Well, yeah, basically. Elphaba: You BASTARD! Elphaba’s level 8 Pokemon magic stuns everyone in the classroom except for Fiyero Elphaba: Mancakes, let’s get out of here and make out behind the cafeteria! Fiyero: Huh? Elphaba: I said, let’s free the kitty! Fiyero: Alrighty! -Later, in some grassy field- Elphaba lifts the door of the lion cage Elphaba: Swim free, Willy! Fiyero: Aw, the poor thing is scared. Elphaba: Here, let me help. she kicks the cage, and the cub runs off with a squeak Fiyero: Well…I’ll see you later, Elphie. he smiles, and leaves Suddenly, Madame Morrible steps out of the bushes Morrible: Hello, Elphaba. Elphaba: …How long have you been there? Morrible: Several hours. Elphaba, you have been granted an audience with the wizard. You will leave immediately by train. Elphaba: Do you make it a habit of deciding important life decisions for strangers or what? Morrible: Try to stay on my good side, Elphaba. Don’t make me stalk you any longer than I need to. she vanishes into the bushes -A few days later at the Emerald City- Elphaba is standing in the middle of the Emerald City, on a beautiful glittery bedazzled road Elphaba: Everything is so…green…I blend right in. I feel like…like… Person on horse-drawn carriage: OY! Get outta the road, ya stupid twat! Elphaba: Like I’m home. -At the wizard’s house- Elphaba: slips into the house Hello? Wizard? Wizard: hurries out of the kitchen with his pajamas and slippers on. Oh, you’re the green chick I called for. Please, excuse my lax attire, I just woke up. Elphaba: It’s 5pm. Wizard: It’s…it’s hard being a wizard and all. Elphaba: Uh huh. Anyway, you asked me to come? Wizard: Oh, yes. I hear that you are exceptional in the art of magic. No, not exceptional, unparalleled. Better than Criss Angel. Elphaba: …Thanks? Wizard: So I have this pet monkey, and I want you to make it fly. Elphaba: Excuse me? Wizard: Yeah, I have this…leg problem, and I can’t run errands, I need a flying monkey to do chores. You know, basic stuff, like dishes, laundry… massages… Elphaba: What?! Wizard: It’s, it’s just temporary, until I get, um, corrective surgery…and… Elphaba: Alright, I get it, monkey fetish, spare me the fake story. Ugh, what spell do I read? Wizard: Oh, how grand! Here. He hands Elphaba a spell book, which she reads The monkey sprouts wings, which appears to be a very painful process Wizard: YES! My master plan is in effect! he runs to a giant curtain and grabs a rope BEHOLD! he pulls the rope, the curtain opens Monkeys: EEE EEE EEEE! they flutter around Wizard: My fleet of flying monkeys! Look at all of them, how swift, how nimble! Elphaba: You are such a PERV. Wizard: They will spy on other animals for me! Elphaba: EEEeeeEEWWWWWWW! she flees -Elphaba is pursued by the police for revealing the wizard’s monkey fetish- -Glinda and her are hiding in a tower- Elphaba: Glinda? What happened to the other A? Glinda: I donated it to charity. I’m trying to be a better person, Elphie. Elphaba: Start by helping me bust a cap in those guards. Glinda: No! I can’t kill people as senselessly as you can! Elphaba: Here, let me teach you. she reaches for Glinda, who steps back Glinda: Why can’t you be a normal girl? Why can’t you just fit in with everyone else, keep your head down, and not get into trouble? Elphaba: Society rejected me. I’m a monster. Glinda: Haha, oh yeah. Elphaba: I’m running away Glinda, for good. I can’t live here anymore. It’s time for me to spread my wings and fly! Glinda: That was really clichéd. Elphaba: Yeah, I just realized that…I’m going to leave before I sink any lower. See you, Glinda. Elphaba learns how to fly like Criss Angel Guards burst into the room Guards: Get her! Elphaba: You can’t catch me! I’m soooaring…flyyyying…there’s not a star in heaven that I can’t reeeach! Glinda: If we’re trying..,so we’re break-CLUNK the guard elbows Glinda on the back of her neck, and she crumples to the ground, unconscious Glinda: Eerggg… Guard 1: Take out the flying one! Guard 2: How?! Guard 1: Pull on that ridiculously huge cloak! the guards paw at the cloak Guard 3: It’s too smooth! Guard 4: My tummy hurts. Guard 5: I have to poop. Guard 1: NO! You-you guys need to focus! Guard 2: This is SILLY! And un-fabulous! he strikes a pose Let’s go, boys. He and 3 other guards sashay away Guard 4: I want to watch Mamma Mia. Guard 5: Ooo, I heard it was scrumptious! their voices fade away Guard 1: … Elphaba: … Glinda: drools Elphaba: And that’s why the “Don’t ask, don’t tell” policy doesn’t work. -THE MORE YOU KNOW!- -End of Act I-
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